IGnewsletter


	INTERGALACTIC NEWSLETTER Phil McCracken
Tranquility Base (00123), 25 June 2018: We are here today at Tranquility Base with Dr. Kenneth Pustayne, Director of the Cyberbead Task Force, for the unveiling of the recently completed Digital Bead Directory. So, without further ado, let’s get down to business. PM: Dr. Pustayne, tell us a little about yourself. KP: First of all, I’m from Hoboken, so my friends call me Hobo Ken. You too can call me Hobo Ken, Phil. PM: Well that’s fine, Hobo Ken, but you can call me Mr. McCracken. I’m a journalist and I expect special treatment. KP: Fine! Otherwise, Mr. McCracken, I got on this DBD task nearly twenty years ago, when it was decided that the world needed a comprehensive directory of all beads. PM: All beads? KP: Well, not all beads, just one of each. After some initial definitional problems, we set about photographing and describing every kind of bead we had at our disposal. PM: So what took so long? KP: Well, one problem was trying to decide what exactly a bead is. We argued about this for a long time, but it was finally decided that a bead is “anything with a hole that can be strung”. This made the task very large. PM: Why’s that? KP: Well, people started showing up with all sorts of things, stuff they had collected at flea markets, etc. PM: So? KP: Well, that was OK. But then they started bringing in other things that weren’t exactly beads, but fit the definition, such as buttons, pendants, tires, sections of drinking straws, Cheerios (plain and sugar-coated), certain varieties of pasta, pop-tops, plumbing fixtures, needles, nuts, washers, bits of cloth, etc., etc., etc. They even relaxed the definition to include things that don’t have holes, such as marbles, toggles, arrowheads, stones, seeds, other varieties of pasta, tree branches, animal parts, matchbooks, other varieties of cereal, toys, chessmen, vitamin capsules, etc., etc., etc. PM: Sounds like the list got pretty long. KP: Sure did! And we had to measure and describe everything according to twenty-five criteria. PM: Twenty-five criteria? What could these possibly be? KP: Well, you have to remember that one of the major purposes of this directory is to give people a tool for identifying their beads. Thus, if you were to reach into your pocket and pull out that plugged nickel I saw on your key chain, for example, and you didn’t happen to know what it is, you could use our directory to identify it. PM: Shall we try? KP: Well, first you have to pick some criterion, such as the color of this as-yet-to-be identified plugged nickel. The DBD would then spit back everything in this color. You would scan these returns to see if your object is there. If it weren’t there, you would have to pick another color and try again. PM: But isn’t “color” color? It’s a fairly objective criterion, isn’t it? Suppose the object isn’t in the DBD? KP: Impossible! Everything is in the DBD. Trust me! PM: Fine! What about using the rest of the twenty-five criteria? KP: Now that’s the smart way! You enter all of the twenty-five criteria at once and let the DBD find your object. Presumably, there would only be one object with these exact twenty-five criteria. PM: But do you have exact lists of terms for each of these criteria? KP: Well to tell you the truth, this has been a problem. And, if you don’t get all twenty-five of the criteria exactly right, you won’t find your object. You’ll find something else. Your plugged nickel might show up as a subway token or some fishing lure or maybe a pog. Yes, we even have pogs classified as beads and those plastic beer cap liners that people like to pull at, the ones goats eat. PM: You’re not answering the question, Hobo Ken. KP: Oh yeah. What’s the question again? PM: Do you have exact lists of terms for each of these criteria? KP: Yes and no. What we did first was write descriptions for all of the objects as they came in. When we were finished with this phase, we ran the big machine over everything and made lists for each criterion. So yes, we have lists for each criterion. But we don’t have lists for new criteria that may come along. PM: So in other words, my plug nickel may match exactly the twenty-five criteria of some plug nickel in the DBD, but it might be entirely different because of additional criteria. KP: Yes. That’s a possibility. For example, your plugged nickel might be painted with blue lead-based paint, while the ones in the DBD, if painted at all, might have blue latex paint. And maybe this blue latex paint is a different shade from your blue lead-based paint. PM: So then it’s possible that some objects aren’t in the DBD. KP: It’s possible, but then if something appears that doesn’t match exactly the twenty-five criteria of something in the DBD, we photograph it, write it up, and add it. In fact, we drew the line on entries just last week, when we hit twenty million objects, assuming that was everything, but since then, a whole bunch of bead makers, fishermen, and tool & die people showed up with more objects. At this point, we don’t really know whether or not these things are already in the directory until we describe them according to the twenty-five criteria. It’s really an on-going process. PM: I can see that. So, back to my unidentified plugged nickel. It sounds like I have to go through the lists of terms for each criterion, find those terms that match my unidentified plugged nickel, fill in the form, and then run the search mechanism. KP: That’s correct. PM: OK, let’s try it. KP: Here’s the form. The first criterion is color. What color is your plugged nickel? PM: It looks gray. KP: Haw! Haw! Haw! “Gray”, he says! Haw! Haw! Haw! PM: What’s the matter? KP: Do you know how many grays there are? Haw! Haw! Haw! And what makes you think it’s even gray? I say it’ s silver! Haw! Haw! Haw! Time to land, Phil! Haw! Haw! Haw! PM: That’s Mr. McCracken to you! KP: Oh sorry! I forgot. You’re a journalist. What ya gotta do is look down the list of colors and decide which one best fits your object. Let me bring up the color list from the DBD for you. Here! Get back to me when you’ve decided upon the color and we’ll move on to other stuff. PM: Look, Ken. KP: That’s Hobo Ken to you. I’m the director of the Cyberbead Task Force! PM: Look, Hobo Ken. There are more than sixty thousand colors shown here. KP: Is that all? How many grays? PM: Well, uh, there are only 245 grays. KP: That should narrow it down for you, if the thing is really gray. PM: It’s either light charcoal gray, medium thunderhead gray, or deep octogenarian gray. KP: Are you sure? Do you think this computer shows them the same as the next computer? I say it’s pregnant dolphin belly gray. Take it from me. I’ve seen a few grays in my lifetime! PM: Fine! Pregnant dolphin belly gray. What’s next? KP: Well, we can either search now for all objects that are pregnant dolphin belly gray, or we can go on to other criteria. What do you want to do? PM: Let’s search now. Maybe we’ll get lucky! KP: OK. Hit the “search” button. There! 18,431 objects are pregnant dolphin belly gray. It’s a popular color. Do you want to look through all these or try some more criteria? PM: Let’s try some more criteria. What do you have? KP: Well, there’s “social function”. What’s the social function of you’re plugged nickel? Remember, you don’t know it’s a plugged nickel. It’s just a pregnant dolphin belly gray object that you took off of your key chain. PM: This criterion is useless if I don’t know what the thing really is. KP: That’s right! You won’t be able to search the DBD by “social function” if you don’t already know what the thing is. PM: OK, let’s try something else. KP: How about size? PM: What do mean by size? KP: You know, dimensions. Here are some calipers and a ruler. Get back to me. PM: OK, it’s about ¾ of an inch across. Shall we search for pregnant dolphin belly gray objects that are ¾ of an inch across? KP: OK! Hit the “search” button. Let’s see what happens. PM: There! But it says there are 3,498 objects that match. Do I have to look through all of them? KP: Lucky you! Fewer than 3,500 with only two criteria! Let me give you a hint, Phil. PM: That’s Mr. McCracken, remember? KP: Fine, Mr. McCracken. Here’s a hint. Fill in the whole table of twenty-five criteria and then get back to me, OK? [the following day] PM: OK, Hobo Ken, here’s the completed form. Some of the things were easy. Others were hard, but I had machines to help me. Other things were just impossible, since I’m not supposed to know them. KP: That’s right! If you knew all the answers, you wouldn’t need the DBD! You’d already have the thing identified. What’s really happening here is this: You fill in as many criteria as possible from observing the object, then you hope to find it in the DBD. Then the DBD fills in the rest and identifies it for you. So what did you find out? PM: Well, we already know that the object is pregnant dolphin belly gray, so I skipped over that one. KP: Hold on! That’s not fair! I could have been lying to you to prove a point. In fact, I was lying! You are to match the color against those shown on the list in the DBD. PM: Sorry, Ken! KP: That’s Hobo Ken, remember? PM: OK, sorry, Hobo Ken! KP: In fact, from long experience with this, and given my keen eye for color, I know that this unidentified plugged nickel is medium hippo gray. Pregnant dolphin belly gray and medium hippo gray are very close. No wonder we didn’t find it in the first go-around! Haw! Haw! Haw! PM: Very funny! OK, wise guy, show me this color on the list! KP: We call up the DBD. We click on “color”. We hold our object against the screen as the colors flash by. Be sure there isn’t any dust or grease on your screen. Finally, we get a match: medium hippo gray. So how hard was that? What else did you come up with? PM: Well, the thing is actually 13/16 of an inch in diameter and 1/16 of an inch thick. KP: Hold on! You gotta use metric lengths here. PM: Then how did the DBD work yesterday when we put in inches? KP: It didn’t. It just spewed some trash to placate you. We let it do that so as to drive off dilettantes. Here’s a calculator. Next time specify metric lengths. PM: OK, the diameter is 20.6 millimeters and the thickness is 1.6 millimeters. It’s metal. In fact, I’m sure it’s nickel. It weighs five grams. It has an Indian on one side and a buffalo on the other. It’s disc shaped. It has a two-millimeter hole punched through the buffalo’s hump. I think it has a date, nineteen something, but that’s mostly worn off. It says “United States of America” over the buffalo, but what would appear to be other words are worn off. There’s a little “D” under the buffalo, near the rim, and also the words “five cents”. And, since we played this color game, we now know that it’s medium hippo gray. There! Can we get on with it? KP: Not so fast! Let’s see. You found the size, material, weight, decorations, shape, a perforation, some indications of age, some wear, some inscriptions, and the color. At best, you’ve found ten of the twenty-five criteria. Do you think these ten things, assuming you got them right and assuming they are on our criteria lists, are enough to identify your plugged nickel? Let me ask you some questions. PM: Shoot! KP: How do you know the thing is nickel? Did you get the melting point? PM: I couldn’t get the melting point without destroying it, so I measured the specific gravity using the dimensions and weight. Then I referred to a table in a metallurgical textbook that listed metals by specific gravity. Thus, the measured specific gravity was that of nickel. KP: OK, I’ll give you that one. However, bear in mind that many materials have similar specific gravities and this object could easily be some alloy of the same specific gravity as nickel. Could you identify the Indian? How about the buffalo? PM: Does this really matter? KP: Maybe. There must be many objects decorated with Indians and buffaloes. How’d you come up with the shape? PM: Well, this one was rather easy because everyone knows a disc when he sees one. Otherwise, I referred to the list in the DBD and was surprised to find 57,439 available shapes from which to choose. KP: Well what would you do if I crumpled up this form of yours, stuck my pencil through it, and called it a bead? What shape would that be? Someone actually did this to us. Some guy in a mental institution spent his time wadding and folding toilet paper squares and strung them on threads unraveled from his bed sheets. He went through several cases of toilet paper and a dozen sheets before he proved his ability to function normally in the community. They let him out and said he was rehabilitated and had learned a skill, so he brought his handiwork to us for inclusion in the DBD. It took us a long time to identify all of those random shapes. And not only that, he signed every one of them. I suppose he was scared of being knocked off. PM: So the shapes list is very long. KP: Indeed! Theoretically, it’s infinite. But we took some liberties and allow fudging in this area. What about the perforation? PM: Well, it looks like someone drilled a hole through the thing. Actually, I can’t be sure if it’s drilled or punched and I can’t be sure if it came with the original piece or was added afterward. KP: Nevertheless, it has a perforation. Is the piece symmetrical or asymmetrical? PM: Well, the hole isn’t through the center, so I suppose it’s asymmetrical. KP: Yeah, but if you lay the thing flat, it’s symmetrical, isn’t it? You don’t think discs are symmetrical? PM: Good question! Let’s just ignore this and say that we have a pierced metal disc. Won’t that be good enough? KP: Maybe. Did you find terms for the wear that you’ve observed? PM: Yes, there were lots of terms, but the best I could find was simply “worn”. KP: Fine. What about the inscriptions? PM: Yes, I found them all on the “inscriptions” list, “United States of America”, “five cents”, and “D”. What looks like a date is partially worn off. Other inscriptions illegible, blurred, and unintelligible. KP: These things look like good clues as to the origin and age of the object. Most beads aren’t so blessed. How do you think the thing was made? PM: I think it was stamped onto a blank planchet, but I can’t be sure. It could be cast, for all I know. KP: Anything else? How many legs on the buffalo? PM: What are you, nuts? KP: You never know! PM: OK, Hobo Ken. Let me look. Aha! This buffalo only has three legs. At least that’s all I can see. Good enough? KP: Not quite. What are you using this thing for? PM: It’s a doodad on my key ring, remember? Good enough now? KP: Fine! Let’s enter the known criteria into the DBD and see what happens. Size: diameter 20.6 mm; thickness 1.6 mm Material: nickel Weight: 5 gm Decorations: anonymous Indian; anonymous three-legged buffalo Shape: disc; asymmetrical about the perforation; longitudinally symmetrical (edgewise) Perforation: yes; 2 mm diameter; straight; drilled or punched Condition: worn, some inscriptions illegible Age: no more than 120 years (19??) Inscriptions: “United States of America”; “five cents”; “D “ Color: medium hippo gray Technique: stamped or cast Function: decorative doodad on key ring There. Everything is in. That is, twelve of the twenty-five criteria of which we are reasonably sure. Do you want to do the honors and hit the “search” button, Phil? PM: How many times do I have to tell you, my name is Mr. McCracken? KP: Sorrrrrrrrrry! Just hit the button! PM: This is nifty! There! How long does it take? KP: About three nanoseconds. There’s the results! PM: Nothing! What happened? KP: It’s hard to say. Either we found a new object or we have too many criteria. PM: What do you mean, “too many criteria”? We only used twelve things out of a possible twenty-five and all the terms we used were selected from the lists in the DBD. There must be something wrong! KP: Well, Mr. McCracken. Just because all of these terms are found in the DBD doesn’t mean that there’s an object that has all of these criteria. We’ve probably been wasting our time with many of them. Let’s take a few of them out. PM: Which ones? KP: Good question! Maybe this doodad is brand new, in which case you should lend it to us for further analysis. Maybe some of our experts can fill in the missing criteria. Everything in the DBD has the complete set of twenty-five criteria. I’m downtrodden. Let’s go get drunk! PM: Good idea! We can get drunk, sleep on it as we sleep it off, and then we can solve the problem tomorrow. [the following afternoon] KP: Well, that certainly was some adventure last night! How’s your head today, Mr. McCracken? PM: You can call me Land Phil today! Get it? “Landfill”! Haw! Haw! Haw! KP: I got that a long time ago, Land Phil! Let’s try to make progress and resolve this problem of your pretend mystery object. PM: Where do we start? KP: Well, since we couldn’t find it with twelve criteria, I don’t think working out any more criteria will get us anywhere, right? PM: I suppose not. KP: So, what we’ll do is remove some of the criteria until we get a manageable list of candidates to eyeball. Then when we find it, we can back fill the criteria for a complete description. Get it! “Back fill”? Haw! Haw! Haw! PM: Very funny!! Get moving! KP: Let’s take out condition, age, and function, leaving nine criteria. PM: OK. Run it! KP: Look! Nothing again! What’s going on here? PM: Looks like DBD ought to mean Dysfunctional Bead Database. Haw! Haw! Haw! KP: Bury it, Land Phil!! Let’s take out some more stuff. Take out weight, perforation, and inscriptions. After all, maybe we erred in weighing the thing, maybe the perforation isn’t typical of these things, and maybe the missing inscriptions, those that are worn off, are distracting the search algorithm. There! We’re down to six criteria. PM: Go! Come on, baby! Give us some matches! KP: Darn! No matches again! This is getting real frustrating! PM: OK. Let’s fine tune what’s left. Let’s take out the thickness and the symmetry details and let’s assume the thing is stamped, not cast. This should do it. KP: Look! No results yet. Let’s try with just one criterion. PM: So, we’re back to the original approach, adding one criterion at a time until the list is whittled down to manageable levels that we can eyeball. Let’s try color, like we did at first. Put in medium hippo gray. Run it! KP: Good! This gives us only 22,641 choices. At least we got something! Look at all this weird stuff. Stones, bottle caps, lures, hardware, coins, wads of gum, and everything else. Add size. PM: Boom! We’re down to 8,021 objects. At least you got rid of most of the gum wads! Haw! Haw! Haw! KP: Dump it, Land Phil! Get serious! Add material. PM: Here goes! KP: Look! We’re under 1,000 objects. This system works better. Why did we bother to define all that other stuff? PM: I don’t know, Hobo Ken! I’m just the journalist with the doodad on my key chain. What’s next? KP: Let’s add technique. PM: OK. It’s in. Go! KP: Look! We’re down to 425 objects. Everything is 20.6 mm medium hippo gray nickel stampings: coins, lures, and hardware items. Let’s put in shape. PM: Now look! We’re down to 340 objects, all disc shaped. They’re mostly coins, but some of this other stuff looks like bizarre Art Deco sequins. Shall we just look through these until we find my doodad? KP: If you like. But, I’d like to try the decorations. The Indian and buffalo should hit the bull’s eye. Here we go! PM: What? Nothing again! What’s wrong with the Indian and the buffalo? KP: Let’s find one from the last list. PM: I’m fishing through. There! Here’s a coin with an Indian and a buffalo. KP: They say it’s a bison, not a buffalo. PM: Let’s run it with “bison” instead of buffalo. That should do it! KP: Here we go! PM: Nothing. Now what’s wrong? KP: Look at the other one again. You see! The bison isn’t anonymous. He’s got a name, just like you and me! He’s called “Black Diamond”! Run it with “Black Diamond, three-legged bison”. This has to work! PM: Sorry, Hobo Ken. Nothing again! This system is worthless. I might as well look through the 340 objects until I find this piece. KP: Maybe the Indian has a name. Check the others. PM: No, the Indian doesn’t have a name. KP: OK, let’s assume the bison has four legs. Run “Black Diamond, four-legged bison”. PM: Voila! Now we get 122 objects, all 20.6 mm medium hippo gray disc-shaped nickel stampings with an anonymous Indian and Black Diamond, the four-legged bison. These are all the same US coin, differing only by age and condition. Now what? Our bison has three legs and our coin is perforated. Do you think it fits in with these? Do you think there are other similar coins in this DBD of a different color or size that have three legs and are perforated? I’m getting confused. KP: Yes. We’re at a dead end. Let’s start again. Let’s run it on one criterion, “three legs”. Maybe if we approach it from another angle, we’ll find this doodad. Let’s check the color and the dimensions to make sure we did everything correctly. Maybe there’s a three-legged bison that’s battleship gray or some other gray. Maybe if we specify the length of this thing as the length of the perforation, we’ll get different results. PM: I’m sure! I’m sure you’ll get lots of different results. Maybe if you ask for three-legged decorations you’ll get an old man with a cane. Haw! Haw! Haw! Maybe you have something new! See you later, Hobo Ken! I think the atmosphere up here is getting to you. KP: Cool! Fine! Take your doodad and go. Maybe it’s really a gimcrack or a geegaw. I’ll search among those things too! Bye! Bye!